chrishoulihan:

The signs as lines from John Mulaney’s “Kid Gorgeous”

(The sequel to this award winning text post of mine)

Aries: I don’t care for these new Nazis, and you can quote me on that

Taurus: If I’m at a place, I never want to go to another place

Gemini: Fourteen years ago I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change!

Cancer: When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much

Leo: I don’t know what my body is for, other than taking my head from room to room.

Virgo: Just cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting

Libra: I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t

Scorpio: Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you

Sagittarius: Top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now

Capricorn: Brush your teeth. Now boom, orange juice. That’s life.

Aquarius: I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like “ughhhh”. You know, life?

Pisces: Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?